I just don't know how you do it

I read this article the other day in The New York Times about doctors and whether or not it's "right" to display emotions, like crying, in front of their patients. It got me thinking about my experiences working in hospice.

I had one patient long term, and I got to know her and her husband rather well. As the husband and I were talking one day, he asked how I could keep myself emotionally separated from my work.

"I just don't know how you do it," he said.

"Well," I told him, "sometimes I think of death as 'The Big Show'." I explained that I thought of it like a play, and I was just a bit player with a walk-on part at the end. What I did five or six times a day for years as a work routine was a huge life event for the patients and their families. My conclusion was: It wasn't about me.

I loved my job, for the most part, (until the burnout invariably hit; and when it hit, it hit hard.) I was really proud of the fact that I could keep my emotional cool. I think, in countless potentially panicky situations, that level of control helped my patients and families to feel secure.

Had I cried or gotten emotional, I believe that I would have lost the respect of some of the people I was serving. I needed to maintain that sense of control- that I had it covered, and things would be taken care of swiftly and professionally.

If I had gotten emotional at every single countless visit over the years, I would have been a wreck, unable to do my job. This doesn't mean I am uncaring,far from it,  I was always ready with kind, reassuring words and a hug. Of course, there were a few occasions that I would cry when someone I particularly had gotten close to died.

I do wonder if I had been a little more emotional if the burnout wouldn't have hit so hard. I did notice that the new employees who did cry and were overly emotional not only tended to quit after a few short weeks, but the patients and families didn't seem to trust them. It tends to be a bit embarrassing to have a terminally ill patient whisper to you "Is she going to be okay?" when your trainee has tears streaming down her face.

Comments

[Amy]

Marcie,
It is good to hear about your hospice work. That is a part of you I don't know and you express your role beautifully. You probably don't realize that I have a nursing background too since we've known each other as writers from Max's class. I loved working as a home health nurse in NC. My case load was varied, but I had a few terminal patients along the way too. Being a support to those families at the end of life is such an intimate experience. I have been out of nursing for several years, but I have recently thought about going back now that my boys are getting older. I feel rusty, but I am interested in hospice work too. Do you work at Arbor Hospice?

[Marcie Vargas]

Thanks, Amy. I no longer work in hospice, but I will always continue to be an advocate of the great work hospice does. It was an intensely intimate experience in so many ways. I am sure I will be sharing plenty more experiences as my blog gets up and running.
Marcie